The similarities in raising an adopted child and a birth child are most evident in the every day activities of a family. On a day-to-day basis, the emphasis is on parenting a child, "a child who happens to be adopted". Parents need to provide an environment that supports and encourages any child, no matter how they joined the family. Every child needs acceptance and love, a sense of security, limits and structure, to learn skills and responsibility, self-esteem, how to handle emotions, an education, and much more. Adoptive parents will spend much more time over the years dealing with the needs that all children have then they will with the issues that are specific to raising a child who is adopted.

The discussions and conversations adoptive parents have with their children are crucial to the relationship that develops between parent and child and how the child processes the adoption experience. These factors affect the adoptive family no matter at what age the child is adopted and whether or not they knew their birth parents. Major issues affecting adoptees and adoptive parents include:

Adoption is a Life-long Process

Just like parenting, adoption is a life-long process. A child who has been adopted becomes an adult who has been adopted. When a child turns 18 or 21, adoption questions, feelings, or issues do not disappear.

They can become especially important when adoptees are about to or becomes a parent themselves. At this time, the possible lack of background medical information may cause some anxiety, such as adoptees wondering if there is some genetic condition they don't know about that could be passed on to a child. Adoptees may also find that they want to search for their birth parents at this time. A critical element of adoptees becoming parents is that, for perhaps the first time, they will have someone in their lives to whom they are related.

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Grief, Separation, and Loss

It is imperative that adoptive parents understand how grief, separation and loss affect all members of the adoption triangle. Birth parents experience the loss of their children, whether voluntarily or involuntarily placed for adoption. Adoptee usually loses contact with their birth families forever or for a significant portion of their lives. And if adoptive parents have experienced infertility, they may feel loss and grief for the children never born to them.

There is much written material available about the grieving process and separation and loss. Adoptive parents should read and study this material for their own benefit and that of their adopted children. Children grieve differently than adults, so parents should read about how children grieve, and provide age-appropriate books for their children to help them through the process. Books can provide an excellent opportunity for parents and children to discuss this important issue and express feelings. Books written by adopted children and adults are helpful so that children realize they are not alone in their experience. Discussing grief and loss should not be a one-time event. It, too, is a life-long process that needs to be revisited by parents and children as the children ages and their understanding of their life situation grows.

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Talking About Adoption and the Birth Family

One of the main issues for adoptive parents is acceptance of the existence of their children's birth parents, and being at ease with discussing the birth family with their children. Adoptive parents cannot deny that birth parents exist or hope that their child will never bring up the topic. Birth parents will always be part of adopted children's lives, whether they ever knew them or not.

It is vital for adoptive parents to convey to their children that it is all right to talk about their adoption and their birth family. In the past, many adoptive parents, either overtly or covertly, led their adoptive children to feel that their adoption was not to be openly discussed. Adoptees who experienced this express much sadness when discussing how they wished they could have talked more openly to their adoptive parents. The open, honest, and caring discussion of a child's adoption helps parents and child bond and brings them closer together. Children who learn they are adopted when they are older or as adults often experience feelings of insecurity, mistrust, and alienation from their adoptive parents.

Information about the birth family can be shared with children according to their age, level of understanding, and the age at which they were adopted. Children adopted at a very young age will not develop a full understanding of adoption until about age seven. Parents should talk about adoption from the time children can walk and talk so their children become familiar with hearing the word even though their understanding is limited. Parents can tell and repeat the story of how the child joined the family, explaining that some children are born to a family and some children join a family through adoption. Pictures of the day the child joined the family and other adoption-related events can help tell the story. There are also books that parents can utilize in talking about adoption with their child. Watching a television show or movie about adoption together can also provide a good opportunity for a discussion between parents and child.

Adoptive parents should convey a positive image of the birth parents to their child even in instances of abuse and neglect. The birth parents and their behavior need to be separated so that the children does not feel they are bad because their parents did 'bad' things. It can be explained to the child that parenting is a very difficult job, and many people do not learn how to parent well.

Illinois law requires that certain information, if known, be provided to adoptive parents prior to the date of placement (See Adoption Act, Section 18.4) Adoptive parents should receive as much information as possible about their child and the birth family as it could be important in raising their child, especially medical and psychological information.

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The Right to Parent

Some attitudes and behaviors adoptive parents develop about their parenting can be affected by the self-esteem of the adoptive parents, and how they have dealt with the issue of infertility, if that is the case. While all parents feel insecure in their parenting abilities to some extent, adoptive parents must give themselves the right to parent their adopted children. They should not undermine their parenting by feeling that, since they did not give birth to a child, they really shouldn't act like a parent to an adopted child. The law gives adoptive parents all the rights and responsibilities of birth parents.

A related issue for many adoptive parents is the terms a child uses in talking about birth parents. Some adoptive parents can feel somewhat threatened when a child says 'my real parents' when referring to the birth parents. This issue also relates to the self-esteem and confidence adoptive parents feel about their parenting rights as discussed above. Children will use whatever words that pop into their heads at the time and/or reflect words and terms they have heard in the past. It is the adoptive parents who have to process their feelings and allow a child to use whatever term the child wants.

If a child realizes that certain terms such as 'my real parent' make an adoptive parent upset, it could become a psychological tool the child will use to challenge a parent's authority or to hurt the adoptive parents' feelings. Such an exchange can occur when the child is upset or angry.

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Adopting an Older Child

Adopting an older child can be very different than adopting a child as a newborn or infant, especially relating to issues of attachment. Attachment between parent and child is one of the most important elements in the development of a child into a mature adult. Children who are loved, nurtured, well-fed, and cared for develop a sense of trust and security in the world and attachment to their caregivers.

Children who have experienced abuse and neglect usually do not feel secure and their social development may not be age appropriate. Being placed in foster care, and especially having multiple placements, can further impact a child's ability to attach. Problems with attachment can even be evident in children of pre-school age. It is important that prospective adoptive parents receive education about the behaviors and feelings of older children available for adoption. This training can provide adoptive parents with realistic expectations about the child's overall behavior and expressions of affection, and effective parenting techniques. Individual and family counseling may be needed to assist the child and family.

Some behaviors exhibited by pre-school or older children who were adopted may include:

• a constant need for attention and close physical contact with the parents
• being uncomfortable with close physical contact
• testing the new parents by acting out to determine if they will reject the child and want them to leave as might have happened in the past
• inability to easily adapt to a change in family routine
• problem behaviors in school
• behaving like a child several years younger
• low academic achievement

Older children bring their past to the new adoptive family, and this is why parents should request complete background information about their child. Every bit of information can help in being a more effective parent and an effective advocate with their child's school. Medical information about children and birth families is valuable to the children throughout their lifetime.

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