The Celli Family

Carl and Bobbi Jo Celli are strong believers in open communication. How committed are they to this idea? When they finalized the adoptions of their 13-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son this past November, they asked the children's birth parents if they would like to be present at the court proceedings.

"I was a little surprised when Bobbi Jo said that she wanted to invite the birth parents," said Missy Scanlon, the caseworker at the Lifelink agency who handled the adoption. "None of my previous families had done so. I think that it turned out to be a good thing that the birth parents were there. The children saw that their birth parents were supportive of the adoption and that their adoptive parents had reached out to their birth parents by inviting them to share that special day together."

Mrs. Celli explained the reason why she and her husband are so supportive of open communication with birth families. "We have seen the positive results with our children. To us, the most positive thing that you can do to validate your child's life - the good and bad experiences that are all part of who they are - is to acknowledge, embrace and be open to all of the people who are a part of their life's tapestry."

The Celli Family's Background

The Cellis became interested in adopting waiting children after discovering they were unable to have children by birth. "We were attracted to the special needs adoption program because we felt strongly about giving waiting children an opportunity for a good home, love and normalcy before they outgrew their childhoods," said Mrs. Celli.

They were also pleased that many waiting children are older. "We relate to preteens and teens," explained Mr. Celli. "We had tutored this age of children before, and we were comfortable with their age and the issues their age brings."

The Cellis, who were licensed foster parents, began caring for 12-year-old Basilia and her 10-year-old brother Jerome about two years ago. For the children, this foster placement must have been a big change because they had spent most of their time in foster care with their birth family and relatives. They had previously been staying with an aunt and uncle, and before that with their grandparents. Throughout this time, they continued to have visits with their birth parents.

But something about the Celli family was just what the youngsters needed. "The kids became involved in sports and other activities," said Ms. Scanlon. "Both Basilia and Jerome became comfortable in their new schools and made friends in the neighborhood. They also started to become more expressive with their feelings."

The Cellis knew even from the time of the pre-placement visits that they wanted to adopt Basilia and Jerome. "We were working on adopting them from day one," said Mrs. Celli. But the adoption process wasn't going as smoothly as they'd hoped.

"The courts were moving slowly to terminate parental rights, even though there was no hope of the children ever being returned to the birth parents," reported Mrs. Celli. In the face of this delay, she and her husband felt a growing urgency to have the process finalized. "We knew that the children needed permanency because they were holding back in attaching to us, not absolutely confident that we were their last placement."

The Decision to Make Contact

So, the Cellis consulted with the children's caseworker and everyone agreed on a plan to help move things along.

"We decided that I would meet with the birth parents during their next visit," said Mrs. Celli. "We were hoping that they would sign a specific consent for us to adopt the children after meeting with me and seeing how secure and happy the children were." And specific consent adoptions move through the courts much more quickly.

Mrs. Celli described Basilia and Jerome's response to the plan. "The children were really happy and, I think, pretty surprised that I was willing to meet their birth parents.

"Two things came of the meeting that made me start to believe that openness was definitely the best route to take," said Mrs. Celli. "First, the birth parents did sign the specific consent for us to adopt the children. Second, our children developed a new level of trust and bond with us that I believe would not have happened so quickly if we did not meet and accept their birth family."

Mr. Celli added, "We would never have opted for such openness if the birth parents represented any kind of threat to the children or if the children had been traumatized by abuse. We had discussed our desire for openness with our caseworkers and we all determined that, with the caseworkers' supervision, a trial visit was no threat to the children.

"After the first visit, we felt comfortable enough with the parents to discuss post-adoption plans for visitation with them and the maternal grandparents. We did set some ground rules, such as what was appropriate to say or not to say around the children, and all of us agreed on such terms so as to make the visits as positive as possible."

The visits and communication continue to go well to this day.

Ongoing Benefits

"We have sent pictures to the birth family, especially the maternal grandparents who were the children's guardians for most of their lives," said Mrs. Celli. "I have sent letters telling the grandparents about the children's school and extracurricular activities. We have sent videotapes of our vacations. We have visited on birthdays and were invited to share a Christmas dinner with the birth parents and maternal grandparents. Gifts were even exchanged. It was a very positive experience for our new family and the birth family.

"We believe that birth families can be comforted by knowing the people who are caring for their children. We also believe that our example may lead other birth families to make positive changes so that their children's adoptive families will allow them to remain in their child's life - to the extent of visits and communication."

Interaction with the birth family has been good for the Cellis, too. "Whenever a family comes together like ours has," said Mrs. Celli, "there is a period of time in the beginning where the children do not trust us to have their best interests at heart. As you know, when a child loses everything that is familiar to them, their self-esteem is broken down. It was upon us to earn their trust and assist them in rebuilding their lives. A huge way that adoptive parents can assist their children in this transition is to acknowledge, talk about, and be open to meeting and knowing the birth family or relatives. This also helped us tremendously in understanding our children. When you see them interact with birth family, relatives and siblings, you begin to see their true personality and understand who they are."

Reflections

Mr. Celli stated that the choice to communicate openly with birth families is ultimately about looking ahead and deciding what's best for the children. "Our feeling is that what has passed cannot be changed, but what lies in the future can be most positive in showing love and support for the children. Their birth family's support helps bring closure to the past and subtly tells the children that it's okay for them to move on and embrace their new future."

"I would have never thought that I had the strength to be open to this kind of communication with my children's birth family," said Mrs. Celli. "But once you know your children, and you love them as you will, the promise of their love will strengthen you to do what is best for them.

"Throughout this wonderful journey, I have finally learned how powerful love is. The love between birth parent and birth child is always going to be there, no matter what caused their separation. Embracing that love, and understanding that the love you share with your adoptive child is just an extension of the first love they knew, is very important. Their birth family is who prepared them to love you. How can we ignore that?

"I feel that honoring the first primal love, acknowledging it exists or existed, and building on that is the best way to raise healthy, well-adjusted, loving adults."

This story was originally published March 30, 2004.