Ms. Grant's Story

By Marjorie Newman

Although adoption was always in the back of her mind, Marsha Grant didn't pursue adoption until two years after she received her license. Her first adoption involved a two-year-old boy placed in her home as a foster child in 1997. He is now eight years old. Her next adoption was for a teenager named April (not her real name), whose adoption was completed in 2001.

"For many years as a foster parent I had teens and said I'd never adopt teens," admitted Ms. Grant. "But April's transition into my home went very smooth. She was supposed to move to another temporary placement, but I said I'd keep her until a permanent home was located. We both felt very comfortable together and, because of that, I knew this would work. I really think God placed her here."

As April and Ms. Grant became closer and began to trust each other more, April opened up and admitted to ruining two placements prior to Ms. Grant's by ‘acting out' because she didn't trust the families.

As Ms. Grant began to consider adopting 15-year-old April, the open conversations they had multiplied. April, who had begun to wholeheartedly love and trust Ms. Grant, voiced her concerns about being adopted.

"She told me she didn't want to be adopted because she wanted to be with her siblings. That really touched me," Ms. Grant said. "Well, after that conversation I put the wheels in motion to get her brother and sister."

Even though Ms. Grant had originally said she'd never adopt teens, she strongly believed siblings should be together, Ms. Grant adopted April in 2001 and then her siblings Anthony, 14, and Angel, 13 (also not their real names) were placed in Ms. Grant's home two months later. Their adoptions were completed in 2002.

"This process was easy, not only because I wanted children but because I was organized and I kept on top of anyone involved with the adoption process. I made sure everything that needed to be done was done," said Ms. Grant.

Anthony and Angel were excited about the opportunity of being permanently reunited with their big sister, April. They also liked the new feeling of having a younger brother.

"There are so many positives when siblings are kept together while in foster care or through adoption," explained Ms. Grant. "I believe siblings should remain together at all costs."

One positive outcome Ms. Grant has seen has been with Angel's schoolwork and behavior. She had previously been in detention, suspended from school and was diagnosed with Behavioral Disorder/Oppositional Defiant Disorder (BD). But Ms. Grant proudly boasted that things have changed since Angel has been reunited with her biological sister and brother.

"Angel has been working hard in school and now gets A's and B's, and an occasional C. Her behavior has improved tremendously and after a recent review of her Independent Educational Plan (IEP), she is no longer labeled BD. We credit the change to being with her biological siblings and being with a mother who loves her the way she is," explained Ms. Grant.

The secret to Ms. Grant's success is actually no secret. "I respect my kids and they respect me, and we make sure we communicate," said Ms. Grant, who noted "communication makes a relationship, especially with three teenagers."

"Also, recognizing that God placed this family together and is making it work is another big key to our success. I know God is my strength and I'd never put that lightly."

Background

Ms. Grant's foster care experience helped prepare her to become a successful mother of adopted teens. So did her natural inclination toward parenting.

"I was single and always loved kids, and wanted to be a mother," said Ms. Grant, who has fostered 38 children since 1994. "So I set out to help kids and show them a different way of living. I wanted to reach out to kids and be a positive example in their lives."

Ms. Grant never married and has no biological children, but she always had a desire to care for children. She began babysitting at age 12, which confirmed the fact that she enjoyed caring for children and one day wanted to become a mother. She ran a daycare for 17 years, and became a foster parent in 1994.

"My best friend had been a foster parent for seven years before I met her," explained Ms. Grant. "I've now known her for 12 years. She never encouraged or discouraged me to become a foster parent, but she served as an unspoken example of what it was like to foster. When I did tell her I was interested in fostering she was a great source of information and inspiration."

Of the 38 children Ms. Grant fostered, she recalls her experience with the teenagers placed in her home. Among those experiences: one stole from her and another intentionally disobeyed her rules.

"A lot of teens are defiant and intentionally disregard rules," explained Ms. Grant, "but I don't think its all teens; it's their history, their background. If they have been mentally, physically or sexually abused, they tend to guard themselves because they've been hurt. Guarding themselves, in most cases, is a means of survival."

However, Ms. Grant has experienced that being guarded can happen at any age due to a myriad of factors. Therefore, in an effort to make the transition from a biological parents' home to a foster home, Ms. Grant believes foster parents should get more background history upfront. That way the foster parent can determine how they can best care for and help the child being placed in their home.

Another challenge for foster parents, explained Ms. Grant, is the foster parents' eagerness to give their foster child a lot of love. "That works for a younger child who needs to feel secure and loved. But teens think they don't need all that cuddling or loving attention. They definitely need someone who they can talk to, trust, and someone that will help them sort out their emotions and learn how to be adults. But if a foster parent enters a relationship with a teen and strongly displays the thought that, ‘I'm gonna love you to death,' that's when the teen resists and then the foster parent labels them as ‘unmanageable' or ‘bad.' But in all actuality, teens really do want someone to love them unconditionally."

Parents who can love adopted teens unconditionally, as well as provide them with space to grow, have taken the first step to helping these young people develop to their full potential. As Marsha Grant's family demonstrates, with this principle and the help of faith, respect and open communication, adopting a teenager can be a deeply rewarding experience.

Reprinted in edited form from the spring 2003 issue of "Dialogue," the newsletter for the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services.

 
This story was originally reprinted November 30, 2003.